Dan: You've included more here, and that helps me understand what you're up to--though I'm not clear about what the "more" is. What, beyond a chance to play baseball, does the program offer? You're a bit vague about that.
I like your idea of using a star as a speaker. YOu don't really get into the role all that much, but the idea is a good one. YOu're thinking about the audience and what would persuade them, and that's the goal here. Also, nice job with the story.
Dan: You've included more here, and that helps me understand what you're up to--though I'm not clear about what the "more" is. What, beyond a chance to play baseball, does the program offer? You're a bit vague about that.
ReplyDeleteI like your idea of using a star as a speaker. YOu don't really get into the role all that much, but the idea is a good one. YOu're thinking about the audience and what would persuade them, and that's the goal here. Also, nice job with the story.
Final grade: 43/50