Dan: This is getting better. The upspeak is killing you! But I know you're working on it. You've picked a neat organization, and your audience segment and action make total sense.
At this point, what I'm most unclear about is what, exactly, the group does. Is it a chance for me to play baseball? If so, talk more about this--THAT'S what will get a kid excited. The other things are interesting, but keep the focus of your pitch on what the kids will care about most: a chance to play baseball and make it to the bigs, as you (C.C.) did.
Ethos: You don't quite have it written down right. You're not really being all that funny, right? See if you can describe this more accurately.
You've got a great idea here; now, see if you can modify it a bit more to better fit the needs and interests of your audience segment.
Dan: This is getting better. The upspeak is killing you! But I know you're working on it. You've picked a neat organization, and your audience segment and action make total sense.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, what I'm most unclear about is what, exactly, the group does. Is it a chance for me to play baseball? If so, talk more about this--THAT'S what will get a kid excited. The other things are interesting, but keep the focus of your pitch on what the kids will care about most: a chance to play baseball and make it to the bigs, as you (C.C.) did.
Ethos: You don't quite have it written down right. You're not really being all that funny, right? See if you can describe this more accurately.
You've got a great idea here; now, see if you can modify it a bit more to better fit the needs and interests of your audience segment.
Grade so far: 35/50