Dan: For 3/4 of the speech, you're talking directly to us inner-city kids, and these parts are great. You appeal to us using things that will clearly appeal to us, which is perfect; you seem to know your audience. However, when you get to the stats stuff, you sound as if you're talking to our parents rather than to us. You didn't figure out how to use numbers to make RBI cool and important to us...and that's the only weakness. The concept is great; you just had a hard time keeping the focus on the audience (thus, the eye on the ball).
Dan: For 3/4 of the speech, you're talking directly to us inner-city kids, and these parts are great. You appeal to us using things that will clearly appeal to us, which is perfect; you seem to know your audience. However, when you get to the stats stuff, you sound as if you're talking to our parents rather than to us. You didn't figure out how to use numbers to make RBI cool and important to us...and that's the only weakness. The concept is great; you just had a hard time keeping the focus on the audience (thus, the eye on the ball).
ReplyDeleteRevised grade: 43/50